


Just Another Hand

by youjik33



Series: Stepped Out of the Line [2]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: M/M, Post-Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:27:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youjik33/pseuds/youjik33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erlich's attempt at an anonymous hookup doesn't really work out the way he planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Another Hand

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic comes from a font I discovered in Google Docs while procrastinating actually working on it. It made _me_ laugh, anyway.
> 
> Erlich's opinions are his own and not necessarily shared by the author, who thinks both ferrets and Jared are adorable.

"Motherfucker!" Erlich let out a stream of even less eloquent profanity, shaking his right hand against the unpleasant tingling creeping up his wrist.

Fucking carpal tunnel. Here he was with some perfectly good internet porn and a perfectly good erection, and he couldn't even jack it properly.

He paused the video, weighing his options. He could always wait and try again. That meant waiting around half hard and uncomfortable, and he'd probably just get another flare-up later, anyway. He could try just humping a pillow or something. That would probably get him there eventually, but he wasn't sure he had that much patience.

The most obvious solution was to get someone else to get him off.

He hadn't turned the grindr app on in ages, but it was still installed in his phone, and there. Erlich wouldn't even consider himself bisexual, exactly, but sometimes you just wanted a handjob and didn't really care where it came from.

The closest guy was half of the married couple who lived on the corner – in their fifties at least; Erlich had seen him on grindr before and wasn't sure if he was looking for tail on the sly or if his wife was fine with it. Whichever, he figured getting in the middle of a marriage was probably going to be too much trouble than it was worth. The next-closest was a quarter mile away and didn't have much of a profile. No picture, only the barest physical description (race: white, height: tall, build: slim), and a header of “looking”.

“Looking” generally meant “I want to have sex right now." With a shrug, Erlich sent him a message. He could always back out later.

 

_Yo._

 

There was a response just a few seconds later.

 

_Hello. How are you?_

 

That was the most polite and grammatically correct message he'd ever seen on grindr. He knew from experience it was easiest to just get right to the chase.

 

 _Gonna be straight with you,_ he typed.

 

_So to speak haha_

_i have pretty bad carpal tunnel right now and just want to get off real quick_

_if that's good with you and you want to meet somewhere i'll do you a solid some other time_

_if not that's ok_

_u got a pic?_

 

The wait for a response felt longer than it was. Still half-hard and uncomfortable, Erlich was starting to figure the other guy was just ignoring his message and was ready to move on to the next one when a response finally came through.

 

 _Erlich?_ It said.

 

Erlich stared at his phone, and pieces clicked into place in his head. White, tall, slim, and knew about Erlich's carpal tunnel?

 

“Fuck,” he sighed.

 

_Jared? are you not at home or something_

 

_I'm at the gas station._

 

_how are you at the gas station you drive a fuckin volt_

 

_It still needs a fill-up from time to time._

 

Erlich flexed his fingers. His wrist was still tingling. _u going home soon?_

 

_Five minutes._

 

_ill be over then_

 

_You want to come over? Do you still want to_

 

The message cut off that way, mid-sentence, like Jared had just hit “send” without finishing the thought. Erlich rolled his eyes as he typed his response. _no I just want to talk_

 

_All right. I'll see you soon._

 

Erlich waited ten minutes, which he spent watching some more porn – might as well give himself some good mental images – before heading out.

“Seriously?” Dinesh was shouting as he walked through the living room. “You just blew me up on purpose!”

Gilfoyle didn't look away from the TV. “I did no such thing. I told you I was going to throw a grenade by the stairs; it's not my fault you're a blind idiot who walks right into explosions.”

“Guys, we are on the same team!” Jian Yang piped up from the corner. “You stop fighting each other or we never win! Look, I get their flag!”

Richard was hunched over his own laptop, headphones on, red-rimmed eyes fixed unblinking at the screen. Erlich hesitated behind him for a second, but this was actually a step up from where he'd been the previous day, lying face down in bed and refusing to talk to anyone. Baby steps. Anyway, Erlich had his own problem to deal with.

Jared's Volt was in Noah's driveway, and a light was on in the front of the guest house. When Erlich knocked the door opened so fast Jared must have been hovering around next to it waiting for him.

“Hey,” Erlich said.

“Hi. Hello. Welcome. Ah, I apologize, it isn't as clean as it should be--”

Erlich looked around. The place was spotless, except for a stack of bankers' boxes along the front wall, which were probably Noah's. Erlich ignored Jared's stammering and brushed past.

“Oh, ugh, what is that smell?” he gasped.

“Ferrets have a natural musk, and Noah believes de-scenting them is inhumane,” Jared offered helpfully. “He already took the cages but the scent... lingers. You'll get used to it.”

“Inhumane? This stench is inhumane. It's like a thousand cats pissing on a thousand skunks.” After the initial shock, though, he already felt like he could deal with it. “So, where you wanna do this? Right here? Bedroom?”

“I'm sorry? Do... do this? You came over to have a conversation, didn't you?”

“What? No, I came over to have an orgasm. Do you not know what sarcasm is?”

“I do, but it's, ah, it's notoriously difficult to pick up on sarcasm via text. One of the biggest obstacles with textual communication, actually...”

“Okay, I get it,” Erlich said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “If you don't wanna help I'll find the next-closest guy.”

“I do want to help! It's just...” Jared stared at Erlich, frowning slightly, and then said, “Can you give me five minutes?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Erlich said with a shrug.

Jared settled on the edge of the couch, pulled out his phone, and started typing rapidly. Erlich took the opportunity to look around; aside from the smell, it wasn't so bad. The  only things in the living room were the couch, the coffee table, and a hideous red and orange knit rug. He wondered if the furniture was Jared's or Noah's, and where Jared was going to end up moving now that Noah had sold the house. If worst came to worst Erlich would let him set up a tent in the back yard. 

Jared stopped typing for a while, staring at his phone with his brow furrowed. “What are you even doing?” Erlich asked, peeking over the top to try to get a look at the screen. “...is that a SWOT app? Are you SWOTing this?”

“It's a valuable decision-making tool,” Jared said, a touch defensively. “But you'll probably be happy to know that I have decided to, ah, give you a hand. So to speak. As long as you promise not to tease me about it later.”

“There is absolutely no way I can promise something like that,” Erlich said.

“Then can you at least make an effort to call me 'Donald', even if it's just tonight?”

“What? Why? Is this some kind of kink thing? I mean, hey, I'm not going to judge, everyone has something-”

“No, it's not, it's – you know what, just forget it. The bedroom, then?”

Erlich sort of felt like he was being lead into a doctor's office; an appointment at the orgasm clinic. But the bedroom was small and dimly lit, and he was relieved to see Jared had an actual bed and not a cot, which made things a little more intimate. He pulled his shirt off immediately.

“Oh, you're-- you're doing that?” Jared said, closing the door behind them.

“Well, yeah, I don't want to get jizz on my sweater.”

“Oh, no, that makes sense.” He started unbuttoning his own shirt while Erlich flopped down on the bed.

Jared seemed a little nervous, but it was hard to say if he was more nervous than usual. Erlich kicked off his sandals, letting them fall off the edge of the bed, and tried to bring up some visuals from the porn he'd been watching earlier, because Jared sure as hell wasn't going turning him on – with his shirt off he somehow looked even less like a human being and more like a poorly proportioned Play-Doh figure.

He choked back his laugh, though, and didn't even really want to say it out loud. Jared was helping him out, after all, he could reign in the insults for a little while.

Jared pulled a tube of Astroglide from the nightstand drawer and set it next to the box of tissues on top of it. Guy was prepared, Erlich had to hand it to him. He'd never thought about Jared's hypothetical sex life before, or even that he might have one, but between this and the active grindr profile he was starting to wonder if Russ Hanneman's assessment of Jared hadn't been entirely wrong.

Jared crawled up onto the bed next to Erlich, not quite touching, but close enough that Erlich could feel his body heat.

“Is it all right if I kiss you?” he asked softly.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” He was starting to get impatient. “This isn't _Pretty Woman_ , Jared. Do what you want and stop worrying about it. If I don't like it I'll tell you. But I've been half hard for like twenty minutes and it's starting to get really uncomfortable.”

“Sorry,” Jared said, and then his hand was pressing up against the front of Erlich's pants, the pressure making him gasp and push back.

“About fucking time,” he grumbled as Jared pulled down his zipper.

“I thought,” Jared said as he helped Erlich tug his cargo pants awkwardly down toward his knees, “I could do both of us at once?”

“Yeah? You do have big hands,.” Together they worked Erlich's boxers down with his pants, and then Erlich reached for the button of Jared's khakis. Tighty whities – not a surprise that Jared wore the lamest underwear availeble. And Jared's dick was just like the rest of him, long and slender. Erlich grabbed a handful of Jared's skinny ass and shifted them together. It felt good, kind of cozy even, his dick sliding up against Jared's. That little bit of pressure had Erlich instantly fully hard, and when Jared got his hand around them and gave his first stroke, long and slow, Erlich shuddered.

“Shit,” he gasped. “I don't think I'm going to last very long. Which isn't like me. It's just, I was jerking off right before this-”

Jared shut him up by kissing him, a kiss that started gentle and hesitant until Erlich dug his fingers into Jared's scalp. Jared gave a soft gasp, his hand losing its rhythm, and his cock twitched noticeably against Erlich's.

“Nice,” Erlich said, and did it again.

He really wasn't going to last very long, so the least he could do was try to bring Jared with him. Jared had either gotten a little lube in his palm without Erlich noticing or there was just plenty of precome between the two of them, because his hand slid easily along their lengths.

“That's good,” Erlich murmured against the corner of Jared's mouth. “Yeah, just like that. I'm gonna splooge all over you in a second.”

“Do it.” Jared's voice was low and intense in a way Erlich had never heard it before.

“Fuck,” he grunted, and then bit down on Jared's bottom lip, hard enough to taste blood.

Jared gasped, a breathless, barely-audible _“Oh”_. Erlich could feel Jared's cock pulse as he came, long spurts across both of their chests.

“Sorry,” Jared panted. “I didn't mean to-”

“Don't apologize, oh my god, I'm almost there,” Erlich growled. Jared's hand resumed its motion and within second Erlich was finally coming too, with his face buried against the side of Jared's neck.

“Goddamn,” He sighed after he'd pulled himself together. He flopped over onto his back, and took the tissues Jared handed him.

“I can get you a towel, if you'd rather...?”

“Nah, this is fine,” Erlich said, wiping up the come that had spread across his stomach. “Hey, man, I owe you one.”

Jared had finished cleaning himself up and was pulling his pants back up. “Oh, no, it was my pleasure, really. Just, maybe don't mention this to anyone else?”

“If I said anything to the guys, they'd just think I was bullshitting them, anyway.”

Jared lay back down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. He was clearly thinking hard about something, and Erlich, feeling lazy and satisfied and entirely comfortable with his pants still around his knees, hoped things weren't going to get weird.

“How is Richard?” Jared finally said.

“I dunno. Fine, I guess. I mean, he's still pretty shocked and pissed off. I'm pretty sure he installed Boot Camp just so he could play Grand Theft Auto V on his laptop. When I left he was just running over anyone who couldn't get out of the way fast enough. ...What? It's not that big a deal,” he insisted, because the look on Jared's face was one of complete horror. “It's a video game, it's not like he's murdering actual prostitutes! He just needs to work through his anger for a little while.”

“Thanks,” Jared said, “For keeping an eye on him. I can't-- I want to help, but I don't know--”

“You use grindr a lot?” Erlich asked.

Jared took a second to answer, clearly thrown by the topic change. “Not particularly. Back when I worked for Hooli... I worked a lot, it wasn't easy to meet people. I don't usually do this kind of thing.”

“Usually? What's that even mean?”

“...once in a while. I'm not sure why I even turned the app back on.”

“Well, good thing for me you did, huh?” Erlich slapped Jared's thigh affectionately and got up, pulling up his pants. “I doubt we'll do this again, but I do owe you one, so you ever need a masturbation partner let me know.”

“Uh, yeah, I'll do that,” Jared said. “Hey, I bought Richard some Funyuns when I was at the gas station, and some of those Hostess pies he likes--”

“The cherry ones?”

“Yeah. Could you bring them to him?”

“Bring them yourself,” Erlich said from somewhere inside his sweater, as he struggled to untangle the arms. “Avoiding him isn't going to help at all.”

He finally got the sweater in place and brushed his hair out of his face. Jared was dressed and staring at him. “What?” Erlich started to say, but Jared surprised him by closing the distance between them and leaning in for a kiss, a hand on the back of Erlich's neck. It was actually kind of nice to be kissing someone taller than he was for once, and he pulled away slowly. “Okay, that's enough of that. You better not be getting all clingy just because our dicks touched. I was surprisingly not regretting this.”

“Of course, yes, you're right. It ends here.”

Not that Erlich blamed him, if he was falling in love a little bit. _He'd_ fall in love with him. For a second, as they headed back to Erlich's place with the bag of shitty gas station junk food, Erlich let himself wonder how Jared was at giving head. Just for a second. 

 

 


End file.
